phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
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I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
💻🤡
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..