“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
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My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Not today.. 😂
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.