Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
You Might Also Like
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.