My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
โ€œIt rises in the yeast and sets in the waistโ€ 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

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Live today like it’s your last.

Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.


Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yoโ€™s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.


The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…


I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don’t even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated


*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Me: I’m also good at directions


I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.


I feel like I might kill someone today, and I’m starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.


After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.


I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.


*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”