My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
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A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
any last words?
me logging onto twitter
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
New favorite tiktok
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.