My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.