My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.