I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I’ve had worse
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
smartest karate player in the world
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.