@mewchainz

My sister said she had strange cravings and an enhanced sense of smell so she must be pregnant, but I secretly thought, “werewolf.”

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@knot_eye

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

@SondraDeeMe

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

@abbycohenwl

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

@Tbone7219

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

@NotMarkAllen

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

@Rica_Bee

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

@thepunningman

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

@nash_official

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods