“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth