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Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars