My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
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Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
everyone’s a critic
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
A family that plays together cheats.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The Struggle
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.