My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.