How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
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When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
This could be us… but you playing
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight