@thezachmaginnis

My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

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@LikChan

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

@rajandelman

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

@Mr_goose007

Auto correct tries to change the word “pussies” to “Aussies”…. Just saying.

@Darlainky

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

@MelissaJoy33

I’m sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead.

Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup.

~White people.

@AimeeHelene1

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

@NoogsCorner

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

@smilely_gal

7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
7: “Maybe”

Holy hell.

@GerryMcBride

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.