My sister told me to “take the spider out” instead of “kill” it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

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I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.


[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care


Auto correct tries to change the word “pussies” to “Aussies”…. Just saying.


The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.


I’m sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead.

Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup.

~White people.


I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.


Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.


7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
7: “Maybe”

Holy hell.


Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.