Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
My biological clock is wheezing.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”