Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!