My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
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I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
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ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I was bored.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
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