My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

You Might Also Like


[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes


Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto


[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!


Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”


Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.


“Where’d my boomerang go?”

Under there

“Under where?”

Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”

*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*


Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.


I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.


When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.


There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!