@GreenishDuck

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

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@GrowlyGrego

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

@roxiqt

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

@Lilybrees

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

@TheMichaelRock

Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

@3Snowbee3

Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.

@ohJuliatweets

I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.

@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

@Discourt

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.