me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”