My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

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I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.


Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.


me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man


Ladies…when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.


It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found


Marriage: a state of constantly fluctuating between harmony and homicide.


I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito


Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.


Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?


7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?

Me: You got a warrant?