My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.