my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples

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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.


[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”


[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”


Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don’t look rude. Now it looks like I’m all excited about stupid shit, and I’m Okay!! with that.


Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.


No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.


Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute