@philyuck

my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples

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@CastAwayKristen

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

@Knorg

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

@DanMentos

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

@CheryeDavis

Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don’t look rude. Now it looks like I’m all excited about stupid shit, and I’m Okay!! with that.

@HomeWithPeanut

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

@dru0887

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

@jennfer46

Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute