My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don’t look rude. Now it looks like I’m all excited about stupid shit, and I’m Okay!! with that.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Wanna hear a word I just made up?
Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute