Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”
my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples
You Might Also Like
To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
GF: I’m sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup
ME: we should breakup what? OVER
GF: its over
ME: its what? OVER
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…
“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”
-Trojan 911 dispatcher
I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii