my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples

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Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”


To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!


[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”


GF: I’m sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup
ME: we should breakup what? OVER
GF: its over
ME: its what? OVER


Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.


I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!


Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…


“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”

-Trojan 911 dispatcher


I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii