My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.