My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
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So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives