My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
thanks auntie mary
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.