My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
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[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
They must have gotten it to go.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Just say no
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.