*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.