My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
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The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.