My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
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I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I just tested negative for patience.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Would you wear it?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨