@kimtopher22

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

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@JohnFugelsang

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

@Fatgoldfish4

I dunno if anyone else follows Play-Doh on Facebook but you should cause they’re doing some serious damage control

@TheAlexNevil

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

@ehdannyboy

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

@Shock_Monster

Him: Boo!

Me: Did you just call me your Boo?

Him: I was scaring you!

Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*

@ihateitmunky

a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket

@tsm560

I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*

*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why