People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
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Eggs. Dyed for our sins.
I dunno if anyone else follows Play-Doh on Facebook but you should cause they’re doing some serious damage control
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me: Did you just call me your Boo?
Him: I was scaring you!
Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*
a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket
I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*
*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why