My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
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I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this