my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
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[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
That’s not how days work.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.