if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
c’mon!
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
english majors be like furthermore
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.