The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
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Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief