@sarcasticmommy4

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

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@Donna_McCoy

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

@paulrust

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

@AdamShaftoe

Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.

“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”

@Urfavgoodboy

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

@UncleDuke1969

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

@TheHyyyype

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

@stinky_blinders

Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*

@sploosk

Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.