ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
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wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Doc: You need to increase your protein intake.
Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*
I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you