My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

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wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*


me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!


Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.


ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.


I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.


Doc: You need to increase your protein intake.

Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*


I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.


WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you