*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
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The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.
“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Me: If you love them, let them go
*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*
Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
If we get pulled over this beer is yours.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.