My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
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For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go