My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.