The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I just love that new Pope smell.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…