My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
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I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER