My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?

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Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’


Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.


My phone always asks if I “trust this computer” like it knows something I don’t.


“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”


No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”


“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text


Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.


Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: Ok
5yo: How do I do that?


Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.