*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
seems fine
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Mornin
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay