Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
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[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.