My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
You Might Also Like
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I’d use my best pan on you.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”