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Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
We’ve all been there
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*