My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.

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If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”


[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.


I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.


Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.


She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.


If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.


Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.


Quit bragging yo. Jesus drove a Honda back in Bible days and said nothing of it.

“For I speak not of my own accord” John 12:49 a.


Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”


“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”


There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom: