My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.

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Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.


I thought I wanted to get married again.

Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.


Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.


Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?


People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?


COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.


No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.


My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.


Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.


DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.