My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him