@Eightinchgoat

My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.

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@LindaInDisguise

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

@PaperWash

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

@Cpin42

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

@Coastiefish

My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.

I call it “No air conditioning”.

@DamienFahey

If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.

@kDuncanG

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

@NewDadNotes

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

@SuchaDumbWorld

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.