[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
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Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Morning.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.