My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.

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Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.


a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials


(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*


Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.


[Crate and Barrel job interview]
“So why do you want to work here?”
DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design


Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing


When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.


I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…


*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?


[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.