The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.
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I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.
I call it “No air conditioning”.
If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750
me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
God: also you have eight eyes.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.