It’s cray that I totes obvi say perf and adorbz on the regs
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t