My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Don’t talk down to me
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]