@TEXASVETERAN

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

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@AmishPornStar1

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

@ArfMeasures

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

@DiabeetusNurse

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

@CelebrityGaucho

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

@jjhartinger

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

@shopkins776

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

@KrunkedRobot

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t