Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
You Might Also Like
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I love it all
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Real House Wines.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.