My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.

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Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.


me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda


found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today


1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.


When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.


70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.


Autocorrect just changed cycle-path to psychopath and now my blind date doesn’t want to meet me in the park.


“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers