@JaySuch

My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.

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@RodLacroix

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

@SwedishCanary

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

@lejessica

I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.

@clichedout

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

@fightgeek

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

@NoogsCorner

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

@the_anastasia

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

@HomeWithPeanut

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

@realHamOnWry

Autocorrect just changed cycle-path to psychopath and now my blind date doesn’t want to meet me in the park.

@edfoxcomedy

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers