My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
cat vs inanimate object
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac