My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

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my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me


Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.


*Neighbor text – Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you’re not at home*

*Shoots Wife*

*Neighbor text again – I mean ‘Wifi’ not wife*


I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.


I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.


My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”


Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?


what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun


My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.