My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.