@mommajessiec

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

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@Lisabug74

I accidentally sent my boss a Zoom invite for my job interview. I was bewildered by the “maybe” response.

@korryduke

Hey people with one syllable names…… Good job ruining the Happy Birthday song. Jerks

@pro_worrier_

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

@Smooheed

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

@McNevich

Her: I like your facial hair

Me: I like YOUR facial hair

(FLIRTING IS HARD)

@TheMichaelRock

Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he’ll do with both packs.

@OBiiieeee

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

@brynnester

Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt

Teller: And the money?

Bank Robber: No thanks

@rad_milk

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn