my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
You Might Also Like
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Just a bush.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Only Americans understand
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>