@VisionBored1

My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit

My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit

- @VisionBored1

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@DirtMcTurd

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

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Me: …

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Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@kumailn

Million dollar idea: Nutella, but super healthy.

@LukeAdams95

Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago

@TweetPotato314

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

@giftedrascal

I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in

@david8hughes

Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time

@kimtopher22

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

@13spencer

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

@iamspacegirl

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself, have some respect.