I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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Sell your car
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend